I truly believe peace has become a luxury that many of us cannot afford. It sounds so simple, and yet, so hard to obtain.

Most days I wake up and can instantly feel the stinging of the tears falling down my face. The stress that I know is waiting on me, haunts my dreams nightly. Get up early, get my kid dressed and ready for school, drop him off, come home and log into work. There…right there…that’s when the anxiety storms in like a raging bull. My job is stressful, demanding and well, not for me. I continue to login every day, because like the majority of us mamas, I have bills, and my kid likes to eat like a grown man that worked a 12-hour shift in a coal mine. I no longer have the luxury of prioritizing my peace.

I’m honestly “just a girl”. I was not built for the daily stress of corporate America, but I had no choice. Climbing the corporate ladder was never the goal, but it was the only solution available. I didn’t date for money or marry rich, so here I am. Here I am, clocking in everyday to a job that gives me crippling anxiety. Here I am, making the money but too stressed to enjoy it. Here I am, sitting at my son’s swim practice with a smile on my face, but feeling quite dead inside.

Have you ever been just minding your own business and instantly started regretting your existence? Some days, out of the blue the sadness becomes extremely overwhelming. So much to the point where I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe, invisible hands around my neck strangling me, shoving spreadsheets, teams’ meetings and never-ending emails down my throat until my airways are blocked and I’m close to passing out.

How much would it cost to buy me peace, is a question I often ask myself. How much does happiness go for these days? I don’t have to be rich; I just want to afford my own sanity. I just want to clock in, clock out and not feel like I’ve been close to drowning all day. I just want to fall asleep at night without my heart racing and body sweating, dreading waking up in the morning and doing it all again.

Most days it terrifies me that I will probably never be able to afford the luxury of peace, but I refuse to believe that I’m not worthy. I haven’t figured out how, just yet, but I’m hoping there is peace for us regular mamas.